Sporks and Wives 2: Hogwartian Sue-galoo
by TwentyRings
Summary: First, you take a brilliant humanoid alien with two hearts and a time machine. Then add a beautiful, yet dangerous archaeologist. Thirdly, add two wizarding students with incredible intelligence and the perfect cover. Finally, place them all in the same magical castle. Those poor Mary Sues don't stand a chance. Crossover between Sporks and Wives, and Elementary my dear Goyle.


**A/N: January 1st, 2015. My one year Anniversary on Fanfiction!**

**Hooray!**

**Hurrah!**

**Huzzah!**

**Et cetera!**

**Anyways, if you haven't realised yet, this very special story is a crossover between my two most popular stories (well, the ****_only_**** two that aren't OneShots), Sporks and Wives, and Elementary, my dear Goyle.**

**For those of you unaware, Sporks and Wives covers the story of the Doctor and River Song (from the Scifi series Doctor Who) travelling across the Multiverse sporking Mary Sues. I recommend reading it before this.**

**Meanwhile, Elementary is a Harry Potter fic, with the twist of Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle having Holmesian levels of intelligence. Since it's meant to fit with HP canon, this crossover is non-canon with the story, just uses the same setting. It also takes place in their second year. Again, I recommend reading it, though it's not as necessary.**

**Naturally, this contains spoilers for Book 2, and possibly the rest, of Harry Potter (though if you haven't read all of them yet why are you wasting time with this story?). It also has spoilers for Series 6, and maybe 7, of Doctor Who.**

**Ready? I'm certainly not.**

**Anything in italics is an extract from Goyle's Journal.**

* * *

_Sitting down at the Slytherin house table in the Great Hall for the start of term feast brought back a rush of warm feelings I had not anticipated. Despite the fiasco that was last year, Hogwarts still felt like home.  
Crabbe was beside me, his usual stony expression unchanged, save a slight furrowing of his eyebrows. Following his line of sight, I saw that he was eyeing two empty places at the Gryffindor table. A quick scan of the table revealed that Potter and Weasley were missing.  
Not my concern.  
I leaned back, and watched calmly watched the Sorting Ceremony._

* * *

The Doctor pulled furiously at one of the TARDIS levers, while his other hand was unsuccessfully trying to reach a knob halfway across the console. River Song stood to the side, arms folded, watching him impatiently.

"Sure you don't need some help?" she asked, after his third attempt to lunge across the console while still holding the lever sent him sprawling across the ground.

"No, I'm fine," he snapped, picking himself up. "Besides, all you'll do is press a single button and somehow that'll fix everything."

"Well, it's actually not a button, it's one of the swi-"

"Don't." he warned her. "I can manage my own TARDIS, thanks." Glancing at her, he slowly edged his hand to a nearby switch.

She sighed. "Not that one."

* * *

_With the Sorting complete, Professor Dumbledore began his speech. When he reached the usual warnings about the Forbidden Forest and Filch's list, I began to tune him out, and focused on the Teacher's table instead. There were two new faces present, Gilderoy Lockhart was the new Defence teacher, the _Daily Prophet _had printed the story every day for a week. The other newcomer was a woman in magenta robes, sitting in Professor Babbage, the Muggle Studies teacher's place. A closer look revealed that Snape and Professor Vector were also missing._

* * *

The TARDIS finally stopped it's wild rocking and stayed still long enough for River to cautiously stand up, holding the console with both hand to steady herself.

"What exactly is wrong with it?" she asked, brushing her hair out of her face.

The Doctor sighed. "Nothing. I hooked up the Sue-Detector, we got here, and now it just doesn't want to land."

"And where exactly is 'here'?"

He pulled down a monitor to show her. They were floating above a massive, rather familiar stone castle.

"Again?" River asked. "I thought we already dealt with this place."

"Different universe, again." the Doctor replied. "You'd be shocked at how many universes center around this castle as a focal point."

"I'd say an infinite number, like any other point."

"That's... that's actually correct. My point is, these ones tend to be somewhat more prominent. Now, I'm going to pull this lever here, and when I do, we're going to drop rather fast, so hold on to something."

He pulled the lever. Nothing happened. River quietly flipped a switch on the underside of the console, and the TARDIS floated gently down to the ground.

The Doctor grinned. "And _that_, my dear Doctor Song, is how it's done."

* * *

_The Headmaster's speech was reaching an end, but he had still made no mention of the apparent changes in staff, which was very unusual.  
Still, not my concern._

* * *

"Aaaand touchdown!" the Doctor announced happily. He turned to River. "Right, after that huge mess from last time we were here, I was thinking we should plan things a bit better this time."

River raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't aware we even had a plan last time."

"Fair enough. Now, I've done a bit of research on this place, and realised we'll be incredibly conspicuous without the ability to do magic, so voila!" Out of his pocket he pulled his sonic screwdriver, encased in a light brown covering which obscured all but the tiny bulb at the tip.

He grinned. "Watch this." He pointed the screwdriver at a nearby panel, it buzzed slightly less loudly than usual, and the panel sprung open.

River smirked. "I see. So your screwdriver has finally taken the last step to becoming an actual magic wand. It was bound to happen eventually I suppose."

"Wha- no!" the Doctor glared at her. "My screwdriver operates on _science_. It is not a magic wand!" A few small sparks shot out of the tip as he spoke. He glared at it. "Electrical discharges, nothing more."

"Right." River replied. "Regardless, where's mine?"

"Oh, she wants a 'magic wand' too? Sorry, but I only made the one. I've decided you'll be portraying a non-magical person of magical origins, a Squid."

"Sorry, a _what_?"

"See, look here," he reached into the panel he had opened and pulled out a book. "_The Wizarding World__ for Dummies_ by _K.L Bowling_. Taught me everything I needed to know." He flipped through the pages. "Here, _an individual born of at least one magical parent, but has no magical ability is known as_, oh, _a Squib_. Like those little fireworks that just fizzle out."

"And you read it as Squid? Doctor, what have I told you about your speed-reading?"

He sighed. "Save it for the teenage novels, lose it when it comes to research."

"Right. Anyway, why do I have to be the Squib?"

"Simple. It frees you up to do the investigating. There are about a thousand people in that building, and the Sue-Detector isn't accurate enough to pick out our target from those numbers in that much space."

"And what will you be doing that isn't investigating?"

He gave her a cryptic smile. "Oh, just maintaining our cover."

"How?"

* * *

Dumbledore was preparing to close his speech and begin the Feast, when Professor McGonagall rushed over to him to whisper a reminder in his ear.

He cleared his throat. "Yes, thank you Professor. As all of you may have noticed, there have been a few small changes in staff. Firstly, as you probably know, Gilderoy Lockhart will be taking over the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher."

There was thunderous applause, and Lockhart stood up to take a few bows. He would have probably strolled forward to make a small speech had McGonagall not suddenly pulled him back down.

Once the noise died down, Dumbledore continued. "Secondly, despite Professor Snape's absence, he is still your Potions Master, and is merely patrolling the grounds. He should be back shortly." A groan arose from about there quarters of the students, the remainder applauded loudly.

"Thirdly, Professor Vector, your Arithmancy teacher, is on a temporary leave of absence. Her replacement has not yet arrived." Once more, cheering erupted from the tables. Septima Vector was not the most popular of teachers.

Before Dumbledore could proceed, Snape entered the Hall through a door behind the staff table. After a hushed conversation between himself and McGonagall, he led her out through the same door. Whispering immediately broke out among the crowd, and Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly to regain everyone's attention.

"Finally, Professor Charity Babbage, your Muggle Studies teacher, has decided to retire." He gestured towards the witch in magenta. "It gives me great pleasure to introduce her successor, Profess-"

With a loud bang, the main doors to the Hall burst open. A tall man in a tweed suit and bow tie strolled in, a woman with very frizzy hair in his wake.

He made his way to the center of the room, and looked around at all the students. "Hello everybody, and sorry that I'm late," he called out towards the staff table. "Anyway," he made his way to the front of the Hall, faced the students and spread his arms out. "Say hello to your new Arithmancy Professor!"

* * *

**It's been a while since I updated either of my stories, and I hope this sort of makes up for it. I've come a long way in the past year, and I like to think that I've become a better writer and a better person. But especially a better writer.  
And I couldn't have done any of this without you, my loyal readers and friends. I'd like to send out some special thank-yous to:  
Moonfur ADV  
tommyginger  
annafan  
Idril of Gondolin  
Mibamonster  
aitchee  
Shivver  
and any of you who reviewed, followed, or even read my stories.  
TwentyRings**

**PS-I will be updating this story along with my other two, no worries. I write when I have the time and the inspiration, so hopefully I'll have plenty of both this year. Here's to a great 2015.**


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